The narcissistic family I come from is more disabling than any bipolar or borderline that I might have.
I feel that if I had a relatively healthy family I would still be working today.
Ever since I was a little girl, me and my mother never got along.
I had the least clout or rank in my family being the youngest. I was at the bottom of the totem pole.
I didn’t particularly care for my mother’s parents who would tell me that I was only a little girl in a disparaging way. They were High School drop out alcoholics but they were better than me simply because they were older.
Age was the ticket you had to have in my family.
My age was something that I couldn’t change.
Even an adopted cousin had more rank because she was 6 months older than me.
When someone younger than me came along I was expected to yield to them. So the rules would change to perpetually keep me at the bottom.
Coming from a family like this I learned to make a friend pretty quickly.
My friends breathed life into me. My mother sucked the air out of me.
In my family my mom is supposed to be great and wonderful. That is the narrative. If I speak against her I am mentally ill. My family has prehistoric views.
So it’s been hard for a long time.
My older brother is golden child by the way.
Fast forward to the present, we are all older now and I actually have a decent relationship with my brother. My Uncle too. But their loyalty goes first to my mom.
She almost constantly disrespects me which weakens me over time and can even sicken me as I retire to bed.
I feel. My mother functions. That is the main difference. My emotions can exhaust me.
So yes, I’m 25 years younger than her but she has more stamina than me.
I try to go low contact with her.
If my brother is present her behavior is better.
I’m sincere. It seems she is usually playing a game.
She’s not all bad as there is good in everybody. There have been times that she has been there for me or has helped me.
I just feel held back. Oppressed if you will. My accomplishments are ignored, or better yet, they never happened.
It has helped to learn and read about Narcissism so that I know some basics like it’s better to be boring or not too share too much.
Bottom line I’m not allowed to shine in my family.
I’m in the shadows.
I got out of her way a long time ago. She’s first in my family hands down.
But when she tries to interfere with the family I’ve managed to make, my friends, then yes I have a problem with that.
Heck she tried to be first with my dog too. We were all living together for a time and my dog became disobedient to me. What a mess.
My plan is to have limited contact with family members, keep my own life private from them, and occasionally visit as in spend time together but not really talk.
My therapist, whom I think a lot of, wants me to have compassion for my mom.
I just cant wrap myself around that concept yet. I can’t understand how a person can have heart for someone who has hurt them so badly. I’m going to have to ask him more about that.
Maybe there is a way to love a person like this safely as I refuse to take another loss.