The Narcissistic Mother’s Shadow

The narcissistic family I come from is more disabling than any bipolar or borderline that I might have.

I feel that if I had a relatively healthy family I would still be working today.

Ever since I was a little girl, me and my mother never got along.

I had the least clout or rank in my family being the youngest. I was at the bottom of the totem pole.

No fun.

I didn’t particularly care for my mother’s parents who would tell me that I was only a little girl in a disparaging way. They were High School drop out alcoholics but they were better than me simply because they were older.

Age was the ticket you had to have in my family.

My age was something that I couldn’t change.

Even an adopted cousin had more rank because she was 6 months older than me.

When someone younger than me came along I was expected to yield to them. So the rules would change to perpetually keep me at the bottom.

Coming from a family like this I learned to make a friend pretty quickly.

My friends breathed life into me. My mother sucked the air out of me.

In my family my mom is supposed to be great and wonderful. That is the narrative. If I speak against her I am mentally ill. My family has prehistoric views.

So it’s been hard for a long time.

My older brother is golden child by the way.

Fast forward to the present, we are all older now and I actually have a decent relationship with my brother. My Uncle too. But their loyalty goes first to my mom.

She almost constantly disrespects me which weakens me over time and can even sicken me as I retire to bed.

I feel. My mother functions. That is the main difference. My emotions can exhaust me.

So yes, I’m 25 years younger than her but she has more stamina than me.

I try to go low contact with her.

If my brother is present her behavior is better.

I’m sincere. It seems she is usually playing a game.

She’s not all bad as there is good in everybody. There have been times that she has been there for me or has helped me.

I just feel held back. Oppressed if you will. My accomplishments are ignored, or better yet, they never happened.

It has helped to learn and read about Narcissism so that I know some basics like it’s better to be boring or not too share too much.

Bottom line I’m not allowed to shine in my family.

I’m in the shadows.

I got out of her way a long time ago. She’s first in my family hands down.

But when she tries to interfere with the family I’ve managed to make, my friends, then yes I have a problem with that.

Heck she tried to be first with my dog too. We were all living together for a time and my dog became disobedient to me. What a mess.

My plan is to have limited contact with family members, keep my own life private from them, and occasionally visit as in spend time together but not really talk.

My therapist, whom I think a lot of, wants me to have compassion for my mom.

I just cant wrap myself around that concept yet. I can’t understand how a person can have heart for someone who has hurt them so badly. I’m going to have to ask him more about that.

Maybe there is a way to love a person like this safely as I refuse to take another loss.

15 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Mother’s Shadow

  1. I’m also the youngest, and have been scapegoated constantly during my childhood.
    After many years I decided to stop seeing my mother as she is a narcissist and can’t be any other way.
    It has been the best decision, as I no longer have to put up with her inappropriate behavior.
    Gavin (sedge808).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You too? Thank you for your comment Sedge808.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I thought this would be a good place to leave this link for you. You commented about radical acceptance on my poem. This video made me think of your comment. I hope it helps you. ❤️ https://youtu.be/gZ5ITzT7rKc

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Amber. That was very thoughtful of you. I will check it out ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There was too much damage for me to make it work. I have 2 narcissistic parents, golden child brother suspected narc. I’m the scapegoat and the whole extended family, every last person is toxic and manipulative. I finally hit my limit and gave up. I grieved the loss for years before I made the decision to leave. No contact, with everyone. They kept harassing me even after being blocked on phone and with me not having social media. Have to refuse mail, packages, and finally change my phone number. It’s difficult to stay, difficult to leave, but at least now I have peace.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Amber I had no idea, and I don’t know what to say, except for that you are very strong. I for about a period of 3 years was no contact living like 500 miles away but I wasn’t entirely independent enough or strong enough so I came back but now have low contact. The family you have made for yourself with your husband and Jack Russell is a major plus. My family is broken but I have decided that they love me in their own warped way. Hang in there. Stay strong 💪 ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve always went against their abuse and been the “truth teller”. If it wasn’t for my husband I would’ve been trapped. I got married at 19 and moved away. I’m 34 now. I went no contact 7 months ago. They both lived in different states but one has moved back recently. I don’t know if the 2 1/2 hour drive is far enough to keep me safe, but I have a new Ring doorbell and security setup. I have the Sheriff dept. on speed dial. I’m doing much better lately.😌Thank you for the well wishes. I hope you continue to do well with low contact. You are strong, too.💪

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, dear Ruby. My heart goes out to you. Your mother sounds a lot like mine. Privately, I often think of my mother as my momster.

    I thought that I would never ever EVER be able to forgive my momster or have any kind of compassion for her. I prayed and asked God to help me with this. As a Christian, I believe it is important for us to love and forgive our enemies, as it says in several places in the Bible. I wanted to obey that command, but I did not know how. My mother has hurt me in just about every way that it is possible for a human being to hurt another human being. My earliest memories of her hurting me go all the way back to the age of two, and continue to the last time that I contacted her by calling her on the phone, three years ago. How do you have compassion, forgiveness, and love for someone like that??

    I went no contact with her — again — when I called her three years ago. I plan to keep it that way. But in the meantime, through the daily, slow writing of my life story, I am beginning to see, and understand, just how broken my mother is. I still don’t want her in my life! But something is fundamentally very deeply wrong with her, for her to be the way she. I know that she fell on her head on cement when she was around 7 years old, according to what my grandmother told me, and my mother was never the same after that. So maybe her growing, developing brain was injured in the prefrontal cortex region, destroying her ability to have empathy and to love?

    I have some compassion now for my mother. But I still don’t ever want to allow her in my life again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Linda for having taken the time to write this. I am so glad to hear that you are still writing your memoir! I also read somewhere on your profile that you are a member of Mensa. I am so impressed! About our moms, I see narcissism in mine but I’m also very afraid of her. So you can have compassion but be no contact at the same time. Very interesting. I saw my momster yesterday and I was smiling looking into her eyes but she withdraws from me. Closes her eyes. Looks downward or looks away. I engage, she withdraws. It’s like a rejection.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The rejection you describe sounds so hurtful. Your mother closing her eyes, looking down, looking away, when you try to engage. Yes, something is very wrong with a woman who would do that to her own daughter. I am so sorry your mother is doing this to you. You are very precious and you deserve kindness, empathy, compassion, and LOVE.

        Thank you for what you said about being glad that I am still writing my memoir. After many false starts over the years, on September 7, 2018, I set a ‘mini habit’ goal of writing at least a bare minimum of 25 words in my memoir every day. I haven’t missed one single day of writing since then. Some days, I can only write a sentence or two, just the bare minimum of words, and then I have to stop for the day, because the pain of the past is too much. Other days, I write hundreds of words. I never dreamed it would take me this long to write my story, when I set out on this journey back in 2018. I have written so many words, but I still haven’t reached the end of my story. Will my memoir EVER be finished, edited, and ready to publish? I hope and pray that it will be! But even if that day never does come, I am learning a lot, healing and growing, through writing my life story. So it is still worth it.

        Yes, as it says in my bio, I was a Mensa member. I let my annual dues lapse some years ago, so technically I am a former Mensa member, lol.

        I took an in-person, proctored test with Mensa more than 40 years ago, when I was 26 years old. I only did it, because the school I went to as a child tested everyone’s IQ, but they were not allowed to tell us what our IQ was. A teacher and a school guidance counselor both let me know that my IQ was extremely high. They told me this, I think, because they could see that I had very little self esteem, thanks to my mother’s abuse.

        When I took the proctored test at age 26, I was shocked at how high my IQ was, because my mother was always calling me stupid and crazy. When I showed her the certificate that said I was a member of Mensa, the high IQ society, she hatefully told me that they were lying. She said they tell people they have a high IQ when they really don’t, just so they can get more money from people paying their membership dues. However, I took other tests that confirmed it, plus the school teacher and guidance counselor told me that my IQ was very high, so I know better than to believe my mother.

        I will admit, however, that I would not want to take an IQ test today, because I don’t think my intelligence is nearly as high as it used to be. I have been knocked unconscious 4 times in my life, 3 of which were due to abuse, and I am sure that my concussions have had a negative effect on my intelligence. Also, Alzheimer’s runs in my family… I pray I don’t get that! Every time I struggle to remember something, I worry. My mother’s sister, my Aunt ‘B’, also had a genius IQ. But when she died two years ago at the age of 80, her mind was completely gone.

        But for now, while I can, I am writing my memories down. It’s quite an adventure, some days!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for telling me more of your story. Making it with Mensa is really huge and it’s like your mother tried to take that away from you. I would love to read your memoir when it’s finished. If it’s published I will buy it 😊 💕

        Liked by 1 person

  4. She sounds absolutely exhausting to deal with. Limiting contact sounds like a good idea.

    With compassion, I wonder if that might be a way to recognize her actions as coming from her being a flawed human being who hasn’t learned ways to function more effectively, and perhaps that could be a way to counter any self-blame that might be kicking around. Regardless, though, I think boundaries to protect yourself are crucial, since she’s clearly not managing her behaviour effectively.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Ashley. I think I’m going to have to be the adult in the relationship 💕

      Liked by 2 people

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