Putting Myself To The Test

Some of the people in my IOP smell and don’t shower.

I remember my younger self, and rather than being disgusted, I have compassion for them.

I know for me in my twenties(I was working at the time), I just couldn’t handle the amount that was on my plate. Something had to give and a shower was one of them.

A shower meant work. I was tired. It also meant being cold afterwards. Being cold was painful and my depression was already painful enough.

The way people treated me added to the pain.

I’m wondering if body odor was a reason for the ill treatment.

Anyway, as I recover and recall, I see that a consistent in my life was my mom’s critical voice. The effects were damaging.

Whether she knew it or not her treatment of me was killing me. I bent over backwards and learned to do cartwheels and none of it mattered.

I get my chance starting tomorrow. My goal is to live frugally because I’m thinking the freedom will mean more to me than the clutter I buy.

If I spend too much I just end up turning to my mom. Yes that part is my fault. The money she gives me is the only way she shows love. My theory is, if I stay away from her, I won’t turn to spending to cope. Freedom will be the end result.

The one thing I wouldn’t do would be to tell her of my success because I will only be sabotaged(per history of past behavior). I have to keep my new saving behavior a secret.

I say this begins tomorrow because a new billing cycle starts on my credit card.

I’m tired of talking about it. My shopping behavior is not cool. I’m going to just do it. Being a little mad at oneself is motivating. Self talk is important too. I am telling myself that I am better than behaving irresponsibly.

Just like the weight I lost. Curtailing spending is going to be done in much the same way.

At this point I’m wondering if I spend to get the love or to cope, or if my mom abuses me because I spend. It’s a sick relationship and I’m taking it into my own hands.

I’m leaning more towards blaming my mom because the better I do, the stricter she gets.

I will report back in a month to report my progress. I have to rely on myself. I wouldn’t let a best friend down, so I’m not going to disappoint myself either. In the meantime I will write about other things. Wish me luck 😊 💕

8 thoughts on “Putting Myself To The Test

  1. I think sometimes we spend to fill a void that can’t be filled.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it’s so many things Melinda, sometimes unidentifiable. I’ve decided I have to do this for me 😊 💕

      Liked by 1 person

      1. that’s what we do it for most that it’s imporrtnat.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have confidence in you! 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It means the world Ashley, it really does! Thank you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are so smart and insightful, Ruby. I am inspired by you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Linda. I have examined this inside out only because the pain has been so great. More than anything I want relief 😊 💕

      Liked by 1 person

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