A Hard Look At Reality

Woman on her own with little help and limited resources. Also having major mental illness.

So I had every intention of saving a lot this month but was wiped out by unexpected car repairs. That’s hard for me because when I make a change in behavior, which is hard to do, I like reward and I’m not going to be getting it. The reward would have been an increase in my savings account.

I’m not completely maxed out. There is room for one more semi large expense.

I’m trying to do better and really use my reasoning skills so I canceled Luna’s teeth cleaning for this month because what if she had an emergency vet bill?

She has health insurance but there is still a deductible that I would have to pay.

Her teeth will be cleaned next month.

My goal is to be as independent as I can be so that I can be free of my mother who is abusive but at the same time what I’m learning is that penny pinching is stressful and hard on my mental illness too.

A person has to be really mindful, do a lot of calculations and math, practice restraint.

As it is I already learned how to cook which was hard for me. I’m cooking to save money.

Acquiring new skills isn’t always easy. I used to be quite handicapped and be pampered and taken care of by a doting husband.

I made the mistake of asking my mom for financial help and what I’m finding is that she gives me some help but it’s really not worth the abuse in the end.

I become symptomatic during and after her abuse. I start ruminating and telling my peers about her crazy making games and exaggerations and setting me up and the fact is no one really wants to hear it. They are just being nice.

Living tight is stressful. My mother’s emotional and psychological abuse is stressful.

My mom isn’t going to change but I can.

Plan: Go back to really limiting contact with her and keep working on my skills. In time, if I keep at it, penny pinching will require less thought and become second nature.

Still I think my mom liked it better when I was in illness. As an independent woman I’m more of a threat. One thing I’m sure of is that she likes control.

It’s hard to believe that a personality disorder can still be going full force at her age.

I’ve tried to make things better between me and her. I asked her to tell me three nice things about myself. She either wouldn’t or couldn’t. I then asked her to admit that she has been particularly hard on me and she wouldn’t or couldn’t do that either.

I know that I would bend over backwards for a person.

I’m supposed to be the bad child.

As I improve and better myself, prove her wrong that is, she gets angrier.

I’m even getting better sales than she is at this point yet she calls me spoiled.

I have peers who have less pay than me and they have legal problems on top of it, which I do not, but their families help them more than mine does.

I know of two cases where a sibling puts their disabled sibling in a car. My brother told me to consider giving up a car. This is all the while he eats sushi.

I don’t agree with a lot of this but my mom is family head. I am 56 but she will never pass the baton to me and I have become more educated at this point. Also my words and actions line up whereas hers do not.

Her savings account is larger which puts her in control.

My family is run a bit like a cult. I almost think if she said to jump off a bridge they would.

I will never be respected by them. In fact the better I do the harder she makes it. I feel like she wants me to fail. I am living the hardest in my family. She did say she wants me to be able to make it in a Depression. I’m saying the stress is too much on my major mental illness. All she would have to do is tell my brother to help me a little. After all, my mother’s brother offers her help.

You know who respects me is my dog.

All of this is helping me to draw more conclusions. Once the conclusions are drawn, I better know how to live life and what I need to do.

Did it pay to get better?

Once you are better your family practically disowns you.

It was never about the reasons they gave me. As I jumped through hoops and hurdles the bar kept getting set higher.

I’m exhausted. It is becoming clear that her increasing abuse is just not worth the decreasing money.

I did turn to my Uncle. I wrote him a lovely email asking for assistance and at the end I promised him that if he said no that I wouldn’t be mad.

I just don’t understand that if I am ill as in having major mental illness, that I am not cared for as well as other family members who are fine.

If I could predict the future I can see my mom on her deathbed in the hospital with me at her side. I swear she would stick her tongue out at me as she took her last breath.

To Be Continued 😊 💜 🌟 🌈 💕

14 thoughts on “A Hard Look At Reality

  1. I truly believe that I would rather be homeless, eating out of garbage cans and sleeping under a bridge, than to ever let myself be abused again. I went No Contact with my momster years ago. Oh, the PEACE!

    You are caring. You are empathetic. You are compassionate. You are loving. You are intelligent. You are honest. You are a deep thinker. You are an amazing survivor. And you are a beloved child of God, created by Him, made in His image. The Lord Jesus Christ loves you so much that He would have gone to the cross to save your soul, even if you were the only person who needed salvation.

    Please be gentle with yourself. You deserve it. ((HUGS))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Linda. Your words are a comfort. I got some sleep last night and am feeling better. My Uncle came through for me and will be helping me to replace my car. I have a decent relationship with him. He is a blessing. 😊 💕

      Liked by 1 person

    2. PS: There was something about having a cold glass of milk before going to bed last night that helped me to become well again. Thanks for your support Linda!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you Wendy. You yourself are strengthening. Honest and straightforward. I appreciate that ❤️

    Like

  3. The abuse … that is never ok. Sometimes your worse enemy can be family. Stay strong. I believe in you! 🌹

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Often families hate it when we change for the better and upset the family narrative. Keep being who you are!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Right now it’s a living hell for me from an emotional standpoint ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

      Like

      1. I’m so sorry … This isn’t what you deserve 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you. I have my own strategy. If I remove myself from my family, especially from mother and brother(my father passed a long time ago), the family system might crumble because they need to abuse someone. But also I could be completely disinherited which would mean my brother gets everything. My Uncle is more of an outsider so I deal with him. My mother said that I could always move back in with her if it got too expensive. I told her I would but that she would have to enter therapy. She said she wouldnt. I just moved out of her house 1 year ago. I kept having breakdowns because she is a cruel abuser. She is in denial about this or refuses to admit it. My life never really gets better. My choices are often between bad and worse. Thank you ❤️

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  5. You deserve so much better than to be treated that way.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your continued support Ashley. It’s rough right now. I am symptomatic. I will get through this too. Blogging about it is helpful ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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