Toxic Until Proven Otherwise

On my own. You can trust yourself.

Please understand something. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder a long time ago and got therapy etc but I was never that bad. It seems that many people I’ve encountered are worse than myself.

I am a loving trusting gullible type as I’m a people person but a lot of this is changing based on bad experiences.

If I am a Borderline with Antisocial traits then what on earth are these other people diagnosed with?

Full fledged Antisocial? Psychopath? Malignant Narcissist?

I have an Axis I of Schizoaffective Bipolar type so I’m not looking for trouble with having that diagnosis to manage. Stress affects me so I am well behaved at all costs and only recently have started practicing drawing boundaries.

I was punished for everything as a kid so I learned to just sit there and take orders like a breathing doll.

What I’m saying is that I’m vulnerable.

The world is getting worse.

I’ve taken to the 4 walls of my apartment and my 10 pound dogs company.

My communication with just a few is through technology.

Rather than seeking people I now let them seek me. Because I’ve been through so much I now say, Toxic Until Proven Otherwise.

This is in the name of self protection.

I’m not a fighter I am a flee-er. I run from trouble rather than make it. I retreat and I’ve had enough.

I’m taking comfort in books because they are safe.

I have a new friend who seems to understand me and believe me. We’ve been friends for about 6 months and he has proven himself otherwise. A safe person alas!

Today I am walking and fasting. I want to lose 5 more pounds. I tell myself I’ve had plenty to eat.

I don’t need to shop either I’m in abundance.

Saving money is my path to freedom.

My other thought is Could I have been misdiagnosed?

7 thoughts on “Toxic Until Proven Otherwise

  1. Antisocial traits? I’m just not seeing it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was the results of an MMPI that I took about 15 years ago. I was so out of it back then I’m not sure the results are valid. I’m thinking my biggest problem is being the victim of others projections and believing them. I am only now learning who I am.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are growing so much! 💖

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Good hearing from you Ashley. Thank you for the encouragement. I started going to virtual al-anon meetings and they are helping me. Instead of dealing with alcoholics I deal with abusers. Might as well be the same thing❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m glad the meetings are helping!

        Liked by 1 person

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