Technically I am homeless right now. I have a roof over me and my dog Luna’s head. We are staying at my nearby Narcissistic mothers house in between apartment subsidies.
You cannot rent more than one subsidized apartment on the same day so this was the only way to do it. Tomorrow morning at 9am I will have the keys to my new place. I left my old place just hours ago.
I am moving to a much nicer community. There is more space and windows in my new apartment as compared to my old one. Plus some of the people at my old apartment had become hostile and disrespectful not acknowledging my presence or returning a smile etc. I have decided they are angry people.
I kept my moving a secret as long as I could so as to not get a flat tire in the parking lot on my last day. I had wanted to play it safe.
So I’m here now which also isn’t ideal. My mom can be downright disrespectful herself and provocative. Luckily her house is a good size. She is in one room and I am in the other.
I plan on going to an Al Anon meeting this afternoon. It will help keep me sane while I’m here.
I have decided that the overall problem I have with certain people is emotional immaturity which abusers have.
In fact I was dating someone new these last two weeks. I liked that like me he was well dressed and well mannered and liked to go out but over time I had discovered that he was a bit irresponsible and immature. Also he didn’t listen well.
I had accepted some beaded bracelets he had given me. He had called me his girlfriend and said a few times sweetly that he loved me, all of this was good.
But when he asked me to kiss him on the cheek he laughed at me. He also leans on his family for financial support while keeping balances on his credit card. Plus they take him out for his birthday.
He was like a kid in the candy store flipping through my television channels rather than visiting with me. He doesn’t have TV himself. Only a DVD player.
These things bothered me. Other things like not taking the boxes he had brought over back home with him when I asked him to. Not sitting at my dining table while having a snack. If you sit on my living room furniture my dog will jump in your lap and help herself while she is on a prescription diet.
Rather than a man I started seeing him as a bit of a spoiled child. When I was breaking the news to him he couldn’t stay on the phone. He had to go. I did give him 4 or 5 compliments before breaking the news. He hung up before I could say that we could be friends.
I just can’t stand immature people. I’d rather be alone. There are Christians who are immature as well.
So I guess I have labeled a new criteria of mine. I only want to deal with mature people.
My mom who is the worst offender of all I no longer wish to interact with. I don’t wish to see, speak to or look at her because she is only making my life harder for me. I never get a straight answer anymore. If I try to talk to her, her attention is on something else. She doesn’t respond to what I’ve said she changes the subject. She is guilty of making faces at me and speaking in a variety of people’s voices.
The more I think about it she is bad for my mental and physical health and then gets involved with my doctors claiming to be a care taker. Too much like Munchausens by Proxy. I fell for this for too long. Instead of me living a full life, my life was that of a Psychopath’s manipulations. I am just tired!
As far as my weight goes at this time of transition I am doing well. I expect to gain a couple or few pounds eating fast food for convenience until I’m in my new kitchen. I did walk on the days I packed. I think while I walk. It’s like multi-tasking. I drink no cal beverages meaning diet soda, water, or coffee with skim milk. I eat two sandwiches from Quick Check a day with nine hours in between them and that is my only food for the day.
It really is all about staying busy remembering what my former husband having said about eating being an inconvenience having to stop whatever he was doing to eat in order to relieve hunger pains.
So A) he keeps busy, and B) he eats only to relieve hunger pangs.
I know for me I used to look forward to my next meal and wait for and anticipate it.
I am also more satisfied with my life as a whole and Im not eating or shopping as much to fill a void.
More often than not people are getting on my nerves anymore so being alone isn’t a terrifying option. My dogs company is very satisfying. She is loving, loyal, and respectful. You can’t beat that.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve had a pretty hard life and I’m serious at 56 about not wasting time, energy, or money. Toxic people will drain you of your energy and happiness.
I’ve decided I’m more mature than most.
I’m monitoring my food and dollars at the same time. Reading, writing, thinking, and walking is the way I spend most of my day. Those things are free.
I was once a dependent and loyal borderline behaving much like a fool and life circumstances have shaped me such that I’ve done a 180. I think I was codependent. Lost without a relationship. After a string of bad ones I want to be alone.
I find maturity in the rooms of Al-Anon. The members maturity is stabilizing to me.
It’s easier with my Narcissistic mother out of the picture. Expressing a wish or desire is a sure fire way not to get it. It’s not safe to know her.
My old best friend growing up who recently died and understood well told me to use her.
So yes me and my dog and my belongings are here until 8am tomorrow morning.
18 hours left to go. The secret will be in occupying my time. My new best friend who I had mentioned in a previous post, Toxic Until Proven Otherwise, is on call for me through text while I’m at my Moms in case I need him. Yes, he is a safe person Alas! Emotionally mature also. Certainly not an abuser.😊 💜 ✨ 🌈