Life Review

Everyone has a story

I’m embarrassed that I’m not more educated, although I consider my 31 years of weekly or more psychotherapy to be an education. Some of my therapists were college professors.

I had an impoverished and neglectful upbringing. We were lower middle-class but I never had Bible School or ballet lessons or Girl Scouts.

I believe my mom was a religious narcissist of some level who used it as an excuse to repeatedly punish me. The wrong things make her feel good. She seems to be happy when she should be sad and sad when she should be happy.

On top of that my parents lacked a support system having few friends.

What got me through my difficult childhood and adolescence was the close friendships I formed, having horses as a hobby and passion, plus I knew I was reasonably smart and that I would be going to college so that gave me hope.

So I got my A.A.S. in two years time and later on enrolled in a BSN program but only completed one of the two years.

Working as a nurse helped me to afford the braces and dental work that I never got.

To this day I can’t swim.

Because of my best friend at age 7 I learned to ride a bike.

I was too busy coping in life way too young when my development should have been focused on. If only I had been tutored. If only I was punished less.

So here I am now and I could continue to cry about it but I’ve done enough of that.

I’m back to thinking of my Great Aunt Betty and paternal Grandmother.

Two older widows living alone with weak support systems. Remember, there was no internet or cable TV back then.

It seems they weren’t as emotional as me. Their lives weren’t complicated. They were content in their routines not requiring extras to make them happy.

I wish to strive to be more like them.

In my own defense, they weren’t abused like me.

I want to become well spoken and get to the bottom of what really matters in life.

I find I look for a mentor. I do much better when I have a more experienced guide. I have found mentors right here in the blogs 💕

I actually have low self esteem and I find when I want to give up an addiction or make a new and more desirable habit, I tell myself,

“I am better than this, or, that.”

If I do it enough I can achieve my goals. It’s in the self-talk.

I think I was codependent needing a relationship that’s why I stayed in so many abusive ones.

Being disabled from work it’s tough to meet new people and I don’t come from a close knit family so I stayed with the boyfriend I met even though he wasn’t good for me.

Plus at the time I hadn’t known about various rental assistances. For several years I actually believed that my income would go up or my rent would come down.

I hadn’t known that I could afford to live alone.

I’ve been in a new relationship for the past two months now which is big news for me because I haven’t dated anyone in five years.

I can say that I have changed. I’m not always sacrificing myself to make the other person happy. I’m more realistic. There was a time that I had to be married again. Now I see having a companion as preferable.

I don’t like being alone but I’ve learned that I can be.

Become what you admire in other people.

Study the lives of those you’ve admired and try to simulate them.

I had been chronically putting the other person first and feeling ripped off when it wasn’t reciprocated.

I became emotional after repeatedly sacrificing myself. No more. I am practicing a deep self respect but not at the expense of others. I am my own priority.

Just rambling here.

I summarize to bring myself up-to-date as I get ready to make my next move 😊 💕 ✨ 🌈 💜

10 thoughts on “Life Review

  1. Remember you are strong and college doesn’t make the person. I felt that way at times during my carer whenothers around me were all college educated but I was the #1 salesperson in the company. College is great but that doesn’t have to be the road. If you need a confidence booster, take a free class and see if you can stick it out, take a short one. That’s one way I built my confidence.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s great you were the #1 salesperson! Thank you for telling me that. A course just might be the way to start. I didn’t know there were free ones 😊 💕

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Courseca, you’ll have to search for free ones.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ruby, how’s your new place. I don’t think I’ve heard you talk about it. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. My new place is great thanks! Gives me more to write about 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I truly understand how you feel and have felt. It is great to have a support system. Thank YOU! 🌹

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Self love. I wish I was better at it so many years ago. But, it’s not too late for US!! You got this! 💚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Wendy for summing up my words so well. Every time I sacrifice myself it’s like cheating on myself. I am emotional when I’m abused by others or when I abuse myself. Learning to think and becoming more educated has saved me. Plus supportive others like you! 💜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I like this post a lot, and I especially like what you said in this comment: “Every time I sacrifice myself it’s like cheating on myself.” — YES!!!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Thank you so much Linda 😊 To think that I was causing myself to be emotional. It’s almost like when my abusers weren’t present, I abused myself in their absence. Life got simpler when I made myself and my dog my priority. I had been prioritizing people who mistreated me. Thank God that’s over 💕

        Liked by 2 people

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