I had loved people freely, yet, would sacrifice myself to be loved by other people.
I was raised to be that way.
It was so hard to keep myself in check emotionally under those difficult circumstances.
I would even deny my own feelings to carry this out.
I will never be a perfect person, but in a way, I became a mountain climber and tri-athlete because I’ve done the impossible.
Now I know better.
I’ve proven myself to myself.
I can now focus on other things.
I want to hoard knowledge college degree or not.
A person can’t really be independent without having the proper facts to work with.
Independence is important because without it you are at risk for abuse.
I was raised mostly on my families projections and delusions and I believed them whole heartedly. I ended up failing in life.
Being educated is a threat to a Narcissistic cult because then you can think for yourself and leave them.
Don’t listen to the lying people who paint reality with their mouths because they don’t know any better and just want to save face.
They make it up if they don’t know it.
Sometimes they are falsely educated like I was.
Sometimes they are voicing their own projections and delusions.
They don’t care that you might believe them and end up ruining your own life by consistently taking their bad advice. After all, you were raised to do as you were told.
Or they want to keep you dependent on them so you can’t leave or have to keep coming back because all you do is fail.
Something about me attracts toxic people and until I can master that I am keeping more to myself reading books.
I had been falsely educated and me being the good girl I believed it.
I’ve always been quite good. That comes easy to me.
I was this super good person who was also a fool at the same time. I learned that I had to be perfectly obedient to other people.
Being so obedient I would sometimes wind up with a dangerous person because being controlled was all I knew.
Sacrificing myself and failing most of the time I became an angry emotional mess if not someone else’s victim.
I want to keep the amount of dignity that I have left just build upon it by becoming more of a recluse and reading books.
I will have more self-respect in this way.
I am not the Narcissist’s drone.
Of course I will continue with al-anon meetings and weekly psychotherapy.
When choosing a therapist you want one who both believes you and respects you.
That goes for who you associate with too.
Find truths through a proper education. Invest in yourself and become independent. Most of all be choosy who you allow into your world.
That is my game plan knowing what I know now😊 💕 ✨ 🌈 💜