Abuse is having power over a person.
When I talk about hope for a new life and living simply and keeping to myself I am talking about a new life without my Narcissistic mother in it.
I’ve been in a battle for her love and approval for the last 56 years of my life. She won’t give it to me. That is her power over me. I know that my love and approval are free.
I think I am much more mature than her. I was also naive to her.
Wanting her love and approval has kept me a victim.
Her disrespect has been almost constant in one form or another and the effect it has had on me is a building anger that I keep denying. It has been so non-stop that it can feel like she is driving me to have a really ugly reaction.
Because I’m human and feel, it’s like she has been using that against me.
I am becoming sick inside.
Is she the angry one I wonder and she is provoking me to feel the way she feels? I believe that’s called projective identification.
I’m getting off of this nasty merry go round.
This is all in the name of self preservation.
If I allow myself to be disrespected one more time it will not be good. But I know better than that. However resisting the temptation weakens my reserves and I cannot go on living like that.
What has made it hard for me to leave her is being on a low income and being without proper benefits for years. Only recently has my life become more financially stable. Coupled with a shopping addiction where sometimes I go over budget and ask for help in making up the difference.
So between the two of those things I tried to have a relationship with her but it is costing me my health.
As a matter of fact rather than yelling at her to stop abusing me this time I calmly said, “I decompensate around you, so I can’t talk to you any longer.”
Right now email and text works well because I can’t hear her crazy tones of voice or see facial expressions of cruelty from her.
I suffer alone because her abuses occur in private and my family doesn’t believe me. We hadn’t believed my father many years ago either. I forgive my Uncle because like him I was fooled too. Plus he is quite old by now and it’s actually better if he lives in denial.
Writing this blog, so many posts, has helped me to draw these conclusions although it took a very long time and at times was repetitive.
Documenting my reality helps keep me sane.
I’m no diagnostician although I try. Could I have entitled this post, The Aftermath Of A Psychopath?
Besides living simply and keeping to myself having faith in God has helped to strengthen me.
I need every tool in my Arsenal, but no, I really don’t require that much to live.
If stress exacerbates my symptoms, my shopping addiction has a better chance of going into remission from being away from my mother.
There is a blogger on WordPress who won’t deal with his Narcissistic mother either and he is on a low income himself and I admire that.
He has helped me to choose.
I’m guessing his dignity is more important.
I want to be more like him in that way.
More in the future 😊 💕 ✨ 🌈 💜